Golf — Golf Widows' Revenge

According to figures derived from the National Golf Foundation and the US Census, there are at least 5.5 million golf widows in the United States. They are the women who stay home or sit by the pool while their spouses enjoy golfing with their buddies.

But two can play at that game — literally. Today, more and more women are playing golf for both recreation and development of business relationships. Though they tend not to be able to hit quite as far, on average they have superior accuracy so scores are comparable.

Gone are the days when it was exclusively a men's club. (Augusta notwithstanding.) Even a chauvinist can rejoice. Where else do you get to see a fine form in motion without penalty?

It's been said that living well is the best revenge, but I lean toward the old saying that getting better is better than getting even. So beg, borrow, or buy (ah, credit card revenge!) a half-set and take some lessons. It won't be long before you're embarrassing the mate by sinking that twelve-foot putt when he or she just missed a two-footer.

Of course, those without an interest in golf (bite your tongue!) can enjoy other pursuits. It's not difficult to make sure that planned trip to Maui for a week on the links contains sights and delights to occupy the 'abandoned' spouse, male or female. Makena's 1,800 acres of lush green and dramatic cloud bedecked mountain views practically guarantee that.

If African safaris are more to your taste, there's even a course in The Gambia, a little sliver of a country with a coast carved out of Senegal. I'd stay out of the water traps, though.

For the stay near home types of either sex, you might welcome a chance to get a few of those projects done without some of the — oh, I'm sure very valuable, yes indispensable — advice they often engender. If you'll forgive the pun.

Such projects could involve taking the spouse's second set of clubs to the repair shop for getting that long-delayed re-grip. Or, for the really ambitious and tidy, you could polish the grass stains off those woods and take a good saddle soap to that leather bag. Er... not what you had in mind? Hmm... some people are just couch potatoes, I guess.

Probably the best advice I've heard to rein in a golf fanatic is to make easing up seem like the duffer's own idea. Of course, it's hard to get them to sit still long enough for hypnosis to take effect.

So, how about this?

Rather than harangue and insist the golfer play less golf — suggest they play even more. Yes, but add that it would be just delightful if the three children were taught to play. That way the golfer still gets to golf and the whole family can still be together.

Of course, all would just have to have individual custom sets at $2,000 per. Not to mention, those great $100 shoes — which, kids being kids, would need to be replaced every few months. Throw in three more course fees twice per week — more during summer vacations.

Pretty soon the hobby, er... excuse me, the "well-spring of life sport", is costing an extra $1,000 a week. Before long that photography hobby is looking like a bargain.

Or, the golfer could just play less golf. Ouch! That hurts just to say out loud.

And, please, don't show this article to my spouse.